Realizing Me

A team from HOT LANTA came in today!!! YEAH BABY!!! Oh it is so good for a team to finally represent my stompin grounds.  

But that is not the only reason for this post... the other is because of what i have realized i have become.  For a long time now i have been reading 1 Corinthians 13... that is right, all 13 verses and a little more reading in other parts of the Bible.  But as i have read those versus i have learned so much and one of my biggest desires is to grow and be a man of love.  That is something huge and something i have been praying for, for so long now, for a couple of months actually.

As i am here in Alaska i am faced with many struggles, many teams, many much people and plenty of tasks that i don't really like all that much.  Today has been a day of a big realization... i am a man of hate, a man of laziness, bitterness, pain, disgust... the list of negatives can go on.  I know that i can love more, i know that i need to serve with no complaints, not because of that verse Philippians 2: 14 "Do everything without complaining or arguing,"  but because of a verse in 2 Samuel 9.  King David Blesses one of Saul's grandsons in honor of Jonathan.  Any who David puts this servant and his entire family in charge of taking care of this man who was Saul's Grandson, just to show this person kindness on behalf of someone else.  This servant who was put in charge of all of this man's caring didn't complain one bit, he had an easier life in front of him but with this task, he said yes lord to David and he served this individual.

I see something like that and i hear my sarcastic responses and i see my attitude of annoyance or hate towards certain things come out.  Long story short, Lily and i were talking and i said that i honestly don't mind cleaning and can do it, but she came back with "But your attitude towards it is that you hate it."  It is true, my attitude is horrible.

And as i was just talking to Clarence, ( If that is how you spell his name) outside and he was full of such joy and... it was just awesome to see his attitude towards life.  That man is so real and takes joy in so much.  I just thought to myself, i am full of such hate and bitterness, and arrogance. I am not turning out how God intended me, i am not being his child of love and joy and peace.  

I want to be this man of love... i want to be a man of joy, and it seems to be such a struggle to reach, i mean to others they see they can see the joy of Christ and my enthusiasm towards serving and helping others, i have heard that before... but on the inside i am broken and full of filth.  

I know God has healed me and is cleaning me up, but right now i am in a place where i see filth.  I know i am clean, and i am his child... but right now, i am hurting and wallowing in my own filth, i honestly just need to run home to him.

Pray for me... please. 

Well, see you around.